pokks

there is a sudden and intense want to be taken away,

while in a strait jacket.

to be sent into a nice padded room.

it's all-white, clean.


it's nice because it's so.

there is nothing inside.

it is clean.

it is clear of imperfection.

it is quiet.

it is lonely.

it is full of solitude.

because of such,

it is comfortable.

and then there might be a bedtime jab of sorts.

a nice jab that could send one into a temporal state of eternal ignorance.

such thoughts are entertaining,

such thoughts give me momentary bliss.

such thoughts make me smile, a perverted but satisfactory, heart-felt smile.

because we only live our life once we can never put a finger as to how we're supposed to live it.

and precisely because of that it's terribly unnerving.


how am i going to determine if what i choose is what i want?

what if what i want does not allow me to fulfil the requirements of our fast paced capitalist shit?


im seriously at my wit's end.

this is bad.

i dont know whether i should go for my passion or money.


and yet im so spoilt that i refuse to work in an office and get the jitters whenever i think of anything white-collar related.


RARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH.

now excuse me while i go guzzle 10 million bottles of anti-depressants.

want to die leh.

 

I am 21.

1. I am undertaking a Mass Communication degree, majoring in Journalism and Public Relations.

2. I write freelance, and do a bit of photography as well.

3. I work part-time in a kitchen.

4. I have ventured on creating a blogshop.

5. I cook a great deal of dishes and relish in the fact that people do appreciate my craft.


[ I am planning to do a Masters in Gastronomy after completing my degree. After completing my Masters I also hope to go to Notter School of Pastry Arts. By 25, I hope to have settled down in career (provide expert opinion for food publications, stabilised my business, dabble in a tad food photography, get hitched, buy a house. Further down the road, I do hope to obtain a PhD and be addressed as Dr. Yeo ]


As such, even with the above 5 points I have calmly listed out, I feel that I am underachieving and time is not on my side. Oh my Prometheus!



 

I have issues with image.

I am self-conscious.

I hate taking photos as I do not look like a Victoria's Secret supermodel.

There is no denying I had eating issues when I was 14 and I still do. However it is highly annoying that I used to look like a P.O.W when I was 14 and not now. Obviously because then, I was much more restrictive.

As of now, I cannot-

eat with people I am uncomfortable with eating in front of, eat when im wearing certain clothes as I'm certain there would be an immediate bulge and I would look like a blimp, eat on the go because eating is so sacred it is an indulgence meant to be enjoyed at my own luxury, time, place and pace.

As of now, I can-

eat with people I love because it's a highly enjoyable activity which makes one trigger-happy, eat almost to my tiny heart's content when in home clothes as it is symbolic of finally letting my hair down, and stomach open after officially working my ass off, expand on alternatives to fasting such as chewing and spitting out food without swallowing it, purging (once again, aint bulimic just embracing Greek culture), popping laxatives...